Whether we are conscious of it or not, the media shapes us over time, and nowhere is this more true than in the realm of sexuality. A teenager has approximately 54,249 sexual thoughts per day. That number goes up slightly if the adolescent attends a school with a religious affiliation, but drops drastically if they are friends with their mom on Facebook. We are bombarded by images and ideas of how we should look, conduct ourselves, attract others, and behave in relationships. This leads to a distorted view of sex. Some people with healthy families/environments might not be affected quite as much, but the lies our culture whispers to us still creep in. We have all heard them, whether from another person or our own fallen natures: "You're not skinny/pretty/sexy enough." "C’mon, I’m sure your roommate is asleep." "If you really loved me, you would make out with me on the library's third floor." Over time, if we are lucky, we might discover the truth behind some of those lies. In my twenty-seven years on this earth before I got married, I believed a lot of false notions about sex, even sex within the confines of a Christian marriage. Having been married for over two years, I am clearly in a position of vast experience to make sweeping generalizations about the institution of marriage, and will share with you the truth behind those false notions of sex. Away we go!
1. When I was single I thought....
Sex was initiated by the guy all the time. Well, almost all of the time. Every commercial on T.V. for cars, beer, toothpaste, etc., portrays guys as dumb buffoons pursuing elusive women. Women are the ultimate object of sexual desire that dudes will do anything to “catch.” And guys talked about sex with far greater frequency than any girls I knew (maybe I just needed more promiscuous friends). And even in the Christian dating world, whatever that is, guys are usually expected to be the ones who initiate, pursue, and eventually pop the question. I just assumed this “man-as-aggressor” vibe would carry over into the bedroom.
Now that I am married I know....
...Women enjoy sex too. I know, the room is spinning, take a minute to catch your breath. At the risk of embarrassing my wife, let me simply say that she initiates sex as least as often as I do. I am no Don Juan; I think God just knew what he was doing when he made sex for a man and woman inside of marriage. There are a number of reasons for fantastic intercourse once you get married, and for our artsy friends who are not very comfortable with words, I have provided a handy pie chart illustrating this concept-see Fig. 1A and 1B.(I'm still searching my computer for these)
2. When I was single I thought...
Sex would feel really good. And then after you had done the deed, you would smoke a cigarette and get back to saving the world. I should mention I watched a lot of Bond movies as a kid.
Now that I am married I know...
...Sex does feel really good. But it is about wayyyy more than the physical. The emotional and spiritual connection married couples reach through sex is paramount in maintaining a healthy relationship. If my wife and I go a few days without getting busy we start getting irritable towards each other and angry at the world. God really knew what He was doing when he invented sex.
3. When I was single I thought...
Once you could have sex, you always would have it. Why wouldn’t you?? If you spend twenty-seven years thinking about a slot machine, lusting over it, seeing advertisements for gambling, and then you finally go to Vegas, guess what? You're gonna play the hell out of that slot machine. Right?
Now that I am married I know...
...Sort of. Most of the time. But the honeymoon eventually ends, and as I previously mentioned, a little rift opens up between spouses without regular business time. I'm sure every couple has a different "abstinence tolerance" level; some couples, probably younger ones, will copulate daily, whereas older ones might only tango a few times a month. Except your parents. They are probably going at it right now now since you aren't home. But the bottom line is that sex is like frozen yogurt or pizza: the more you have it, the more you want it. Also, even when its bad, its good. And toppings can be involved.
4. When I was single I thought...
A healthy sex life meant just having sex-and lots of it. If I was getting what I wanted, as often as I wanted it, then I had the perfect sex life. Quantity = awesome. You don’t high five the dudes in the locker room while bragging about cuddling with your woman a lot last night, right? “Bro, she is the BEST at spooning!”
Now that I am married I know...
...a healthy sex life is about more than just me getting mine as much as possible. Like in that Spice Girls song, when two become one flesh in marriage, their sexuality is now a singular one shared between them. That’s why couples say “Our sex life”. And when God brings two broken, tainted people together in marriage, their sexuality can be a tool for mending, encouraging, and loving one another in celebration of his gift of sex… or it can be a cause of stress and grief as both parties stumble around not knowing what they want, what their spouse needs, or how to satisfy either. Married couples need to have sex; it is a privilege of marriage. Otherwise they are just roommates that don’t pay rent. While it will look different for every couple, some traits of a healthy sexuality between couples can be identified. I would say a healthy sexuality is one that encourages the man and woman. Both parties are satisfied overall and feel confident and comfortable with their spouse. Each person is having their needs met, not just in the bedroom but in all aspects of their marriage, since sex is fundamentally connected with our emotions and intellect. The best sex my wife and I have begins not in the bedroom, or even at dinner, but earlier in the day with a heartfelt compliment, holding hands, a knowing glance, or any other seemingly insignificant gesture that warms a person’s heart. When people feel thoroughly, truly loved by their spouse, they can give of themselves freely and intimately without fear. Sex can be a good litmus test in a marriage-if it is good, everything else can’t be all that bad. A counselor friend told me the first question he asks troubled couples that come into his office is “Are you having sex?” So gentlemen, now you have an extra reason to be sweet to your wife all the time. And ladies, you didn’t need to read any of that because for you, it’s innate. Even if your man is super pissed off and not in the mood, I have two words for you: shower party.
Well kids, I think we all learned something today. I don’t know that something might be, but at least now if your married friends are grumpy you’ll know why.
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